As I sit here fresh out of my morning meditation, I’m entrenched in this feeling of safety and security. I start to question “what is security anyhow?”. As my mind wanders back to the times when I did not feel safe. I ponder…what’s the difference between the two places? And I come to what I call “an equilibrium of understanding”. By no means does that intone I truly “get it” but I am satisfied with where my understanding rests for now.
Journeying back through my own experiences, I see many patterns. Some of which will be future topics I’m sure. As I look deeply into my past, and not so distance I might add, I see moments of fear and anguish within myself. I see the disconnection within my judgement of what I would refer to as the outer world. My feelings of separation and, dare I say, hierarchy. Much of what I could have “blamed” on the outside world I see differently these days. After all, retrospective insight is the gift we can allow ourselves.
I’m reminded of some of my greatest feelings of separation and fear, when I was feeling deep emotions at some of my lowest times. I was first and foremostly separated from myself. In those moments I felt alone, rejected and taken advantage of, the bitterness of anger blurred my vision. How could this world be so cruel? How could “God” be so merciless, inhumane and insensitive? What was this all about anyhow?
How could I find my way back? Would I find my way back? Did I even want to?
When life has shown us, we're but a seed on the wind, when the pain has finally reached the breaking point and change is not only necessary but imminent, whether we go kicking and screaming or walk into it with our eyes wide open, there are no words that describe the pain that comes with the moment of deep surrender.
We forget in these moments, the seed blown on the wind is bound to land and plant into the soil, it will bloom and grow anew. That sense of control is a deep part of our societies programming but has nothing to do our survival, unlike what we’ve been taught, but it has everything to do with our quality of existence. That is what we can influence.
I personally found the more closed off from the world I became the more dark my world became and the more lonely, sad and self-sabotaging I grew. The downward spiral into the dark underworld of self-loathing and outward projection grew with it, as did the judgement and righteous indignation, I didn’t even recognize myself, as I became a clone in the world of isolation and detachment. I was an “island unto myself”. How could I find myself in the vast sea of detachment?
I was in pursuit of myself and I didn’t even know it.
In the world of paradoxes, it sounds almost trite to say but the journey back is through ourselves. For me, this was arduous, due to my determination of Will and my stubborn Ego. I have a feeling that some of you might get that. The programs that run in the background are deeply ingrained. Automatic Pilot is in control most of the time. The more frustrated I got the less I saw. When I reached my “breaking point” I had nothing left but to given in. Notice I didn’t say give up? BIG difference there. To give in means we let go without attachment to the outcome, perhaps believing in something greater than ourselves, perhaps not, it usually happens because of sheer exhaustion and helplessness. Giving up means we focus on having no hope and are left alone with our feelings of being unworthy.
By giving in, I was able to start anew (I didn't see it that way at the time). I was able to start seeing myself. I was able to start with small moments of looking inside, not to say I was able to “let go” completely because I struggled with my thoughts constantly, as they grabbed hold of me and ran in the directions I didn’t want but it was a start.
If you've allowed yourself to get to that point I want to acknowledge you and say “YAY!” Because you’re growing! You’re seeing opportunity instead of obstacles. STICK WITH IT!!!!!! If I can do it, so can you!
Learning to trust ourselves can be one of the biggest challenges we face. Though we have many challenges in our lives, without a base to build our foundation on, we’ll keep drifting on the loose soil of societies programming and continue to fall prey to confusion. There’s much more opportunity to follow the programming than there ever will be to look inward and listen to what you know is right for you.
No matter what the world around you is telling you (positive or negative) you are exactly where you’re suppose to be. Yeah, I know WTH! Lessons come in all forms. The freedom to grow never stops presenting itself to us. We may have just made the choice to ignore its pleas. Remember the old saying “perception is everything?” Well my old self would begrudgingly admit it’s true, but the beauty is, every single moment we’re here provides us with an opportunity for a new start. We can grab it and run with it, we can drag it behind us like a bag of bricks, or we can pretend it doesn’t exist. No matter how we choose to deal with it, the lessons, and there will be plenty, will teach us along the way.
By starting with ourselves, seeing us as we would a newborn baby, we can learn to trust the most important person on this planet (yes, I’m talking about ourselves) and by treating ourselves as we would those, we deeply cherish, we will start to find the things in lives to be grateful for. Some days, that may be as simple as being grateful that we woke up. Other days, we’ll notice all the nuances of the world around us, in awe. Eventually, if we’re committed to ourselves, we’ll learn to love ourselves, more than we could love anyone or anything else on the planet and we’ll become unrecognizable and unstoppable.
Your security lies in your own being; being comfortable with yourself, being comfortable in your own skin. True security can never be distracted with the superficial of the world around you. No one outside yourself can ever take you away from you (only you have the power to hide from yourself). You’ll have the opportunity to feel the resistance and you’ll have many opportunities for excuses and finger pointing. You can live in the past or even the future but the present is where everything happens. I don’t say any of this lightly or with authority. I have my own imperfect road to travel. I say this with the utmost love and compassion for I only wish for you find your authentic self. For there, is where true security lies.
We're given this amazing life to live and we get to choose how to live it. Free will is the first distortion opportunity. However, you choose to live your life is in your hands and yours alone. What will you decide? Are you willing to put forth the effort to gain your potential? Is finding
yourself worth feeling genuinely secure? It could possibly the biggest opportunity of your life. Here’s to you and life you choose!
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